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In our private lives, narcissistic love is harder to spot because you might be on the “positive” receiving end much longer.

If your functionality includes: a shoulder to cry on and a willingness to listen to a lot of venting, then you might be kept in the “appliances I love” category for a very long time.

Whenever you behave the way they want you to, they love you, and when you don’t, they love you not.

Yet if you ask a narcissist whether they love someone, they might well say “yes”.

This dream can be so strong (and beautiful) that it becomes something that we come to superimpose on the true narcissist.

Every little positive spark of something nice they said or did, enforces the “truth” of that dream.

Simply put, due to a combination of severe trauma and a collection of beliefs that state that ‘facing the trauma will just make things worse’ someone can actually become completely cut off from their inner experiences. With such disconnection comes the inability to deeply connect to others.Yet at the same time, it can make us feel that, no matter how hard we try, we can’t really get through to or connect to the other person (which is true).We can come to believe that somehow, it is up to us to fix the relationship.Trying to understand narcissists from the perspective of unconditional love is endlessly confusing.It’s a flower with an endless number of petals: “they love me, they love me not, they love me, they love me not…” Think back to a time when you were in love with someone, and you weren’t sure whether that feeling was reciprocated. Usually though, that uncertainty wouldn’t last too long. With a narcissist, you’ll never get the answer, because it’s not unconditional love to start out with anyway.

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